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Understanding Shame

rebecca@rlavine.com (Rebecca Lavine) — Wed, 24 May 2023 17:37:40 GMT

The Difference Between Shame and Guilt

rebecca@rlavine.com (Rebecca Lavine) — Mon, 15 May 2023 23:30:51 GMT

Shame, Guilt and Ick

rebecca@rlavine.com (Rebecca Lavine) — Mon, 05 Apr 2021 13:17:35 GMT

Knowing the Difference Helps You Know What to Do

One of the key things that helps people feel less overwhelmed and more motivated to take care of themselves is setting boundaries. But before people can set boundaries better, sometimes people have to wade through a lifetime of feeling bad about themselves. This is important and deep work. To keep it simple, I am naming three different “bad states.”

You may notice the “bad feeling” in your stomach. But underneath the bad feeling, you may be feeling one of these three feelings: Shame. Blame. Ick.

Let’s figure out which one might be happening at any given moment.

First, there’s what I call ICK. Great clinical term, right? ICK is how you know your boundaries are being crossed. Ick is when you go out on a date with someone, or kiss someone, or are rushed along before you feel really ready. That’s the most obvious example of ick. Ick can be confusing because maybe you do like someone, but you just aren’t ready. Or, you like a person, but not that way. Or, the person really likes you, but you don’t like them. With all of these, a bad feeling comes up. With help, and space, you can see that that bad feeling is what I call ICK. Ick can also be when you feel pressured by other people to do something you really don’t want to do. It can take time to realize that this is what you are feeling. Maybe you are trying to fit in with a group of friends and you feel you have to try really hard to fit in. It starts to wear you down and you don’t feel natural. Ick can be really clear, but it can also be very confusing. Also, it can be confusing to know what you should do about ick. Generally though, ick happens when you really, really want to say NO. You just haven’t figure out how. Yet.

Then there’s guilt. Guilt is when you have done something wrong. When I talk about doing something wrong, I use the example of kicking a dog. That’s an obvious example of something wrong. No one should kick a dog. Doing something wrong is when you either hurt some other being, or you may have hurt some other being, or even worse, harmed them. To be clear, if someone’s feelings get hurt because you are defending yourself, that is not wrong. Hurting and harming someone who is less powerful than you is what is wrong. Someone younger, or smaller, or your employee, or a pet. The truth is, we all do things that are wrong. We lose our temper, we yell at someone, or we are irresponsible. When you feel bad after this, you are feeling guilty. We regret what you did. When we have done something wrong, it is important to make amends. We have to fix it, and the person that we harmed gets to tell us what to do to make it better. When we listen to others, especially the person who has been hurt, we can really do something about what we did. We can make it better. This isn’t always so simple. But this is the first step to feeling better.

Last, there’s shame. (And its sibling, blame.) Shaming and blaming is when people basically name call. Or you name call yourself. If we want to make it sound more sophisticated, it is when we make a negative attribution. But basically, it is when we tell someone else that they are bad. Or sick. Or nasty. Or anything else. It isn’t a labelling of the behavior. It is a labelling of the person. And it feels awful. Every single human has been shamed at some point. Every single human has been blamed. Most of us have shamed and blamed other people. We did something wrong, and we were humiliated for it. Or we did nothing wrong. But we were humiliated anyway. Shame feels awful. Many of us feel it all the time. And, we do anything to avoid it. In fact, for many people, our anxiety in life is related to a fear of being shamed. Of being embarrassed. Humiliated. Doing something wrong and being caught. Being thrown out of the group and no longer being accepted. It is terrifying. Our existence as humans is based on being seen, being considered good, being considered part of a community. When people shame us, or blame us, even in small ways, it can be the worst experience of our lives. We want to avoid it at any cost. But the truth is, shame and blame don’t do anyone any good. We can hold people accountable for wrongdoing without shaming and blaming. And the way that we add a negative assumption to other people’s behavior--claim that we know what they were thinking when we did a thing that hurt or harmed us or someone else--that is a natural human way to try to control the world. But it isn’t necessarily accurate.

When it comes to shame, and blame, what I’d like is for you to let it go. It isn’t helping you do the right thing. The fear of it isn’t helping you be a better person. It is merely keeping you from being the authentic, kind person that you can be. You aren’t perfect. You will make mistakes.

But, and this brings us to guilt, the chances are good that many of your mistakes did not come from a desire to hurt or harm. They were probably either accidental or arose from a strong desire to avoid a bad thing (which, of course, did not actually work--more about that another time). So, you did something or behaved in a way you regret. We don’t want to pretend you didn’t. We aren’t here to make you feel good about doing something wrong. We are here to help you discern what you need to do to fix it. The negative thoughts, the way that you shame yourself--those aren’t helping. See what you can do to make it better. What you need here is a sincere desire, coupled with wisdom, to change.

And that brings us back to ICK. When we feel icky, the main thing we want to do is to protect ourselves. Lots of times, people make you feel bad when you try to set your boundaries. But that isn’t your fault. That means that someone else has failed to complete what I call the boundary circuit. Don’t let shame stop you from telling someone no. (Or yes, if that’s what you want!) You are who you are. You want what you want. It is OK to say no. It’s OK to say yes!

With all of these different experiences, it takes a lot of work to learn how to get the support you need to say yes to what you want and believe, no to what you do not, to step back from the shame and embarrassment, and to walk forward to take responsibility if and when you do things you regret.

But without knowing the difference it is hard to know where to start. So, here you are--at the starting gate. You can do this. Let’s let go of the shame, and step forward to claim your own life.

What is Mindfulness?

rebecca@rlavine.com (Rebecca Lavine) — Wed, 06 Jan 2021 01:13:24 GMT

Mindfulness is everywhere these days. It is marketed like soda, like underpants, like beauty products.

It has been linked in many people’s minds with morality, with being healthy and a “good” person. To be mindful is, in some funny way, to be successful. And since success is often elusive to people with depression, anxiety or ADHD, it is not surprising that you may feel mindfulness, too, is out of reach.

Something for other people.

People with executive functioing disorders or depression often resist mindfulness. Even for people who are more neurotypical, mindfulness has moments of being excruciating. Here's what many people have said to me over the years: "You mean you want me to slow down, remove myself from a device or from other stimuli, be silent, and just notice myself as I am? But I hate myself as I am! It is awful and unpleasant. Why, oh why would I do this?"

Before we get into why, let's try to define mindfulness.

Mindfulness is a term that is used to describe awareness. Awareness is the state of being that emerges when one has learned how to meditate, to pay attention to the little moment. There are many paths toward this state. Many of us have been taught to notice one's breath. (Sadly, I now have clients who were taught "mindfulness" in school and so have learned to despise it.) The practice, as it is sometimes called, gently builds a relaxed, light connection with things as they actually are. With a quiet, non judgemental awareness of you can then cultivate wisdom toward yourself, your body, and others. This can lead to greater peace, which can help further increased mindfulness.

With increased mindfulness, you increase all the other skills you are longing for.

You get better at handling your emotions. You get better at being kind to yourself. You get better at getting along with other people. You even might get better physically. You may even find you get better at keeping or being able to do your job.

What do I mean by "better?' I mean that there is greater ease. The habits you need to build to be a healthier person are easier to cultivate with mindfulness.

Why? Especially because the goal of mindfulness is to let go of goals? I can give you a long discussion of the neurological “point” of mindfulness and why scientists believe it is effective. But what would be even better is if you try it yourself and see. The

problem is for you to try you really have to sit with all of the suffering that makes people dislike stillness. You have to deal with your lack of

wanting to sit still. You have to see and notice all your judgmental and negative thoughts.

There’s good news though. Mindfulness meditation can take many different forms. Breath meditation, the traditional meditation practice I just described--is a pretty effective way of cultivating awareness for many people. But, it is OK for you to do mindfulness in a way that works for you.

For example, mindfulness meditation can be “metta” which I teach to many clients. You can cultivate mindfulness through walking, listening, getting chores done, and even eating. Yoga is also a form of mindful movement. There are many others. Once you have established a calm, quiet mindfulness practice, it becomes easier and easier to start integrating mindfulness into your daily life. As with everything, it is important to understand there is not an "on" or "off" or "right" or "wrong" way to cultivate awareness in your life. Your journey is about you because you deserve compassion and care. Mindfulness is a wonderful place to start.

You can do this! I can help.

How to Be Kind

rebecca@rlavine.com (Rebecca Lavine) — Sun, 03 Jan 2021 14:17:35 GMT

Kindness in action-- it isn't (just) what you think.

Here's the big idea with kindness: do NOT do unto others as you would have done unto you. None of that love your neighbor as yourself. (Love your neighbor. Yes. Just not as yourself.)

Why not? Because that's actually a big trap in a lot of ways.

When you know yourself well, and accept yourself, you can start the radical path of truly being kind to yourself. Self-compassion in action means the wisdom to know what you can truly do in any given day--and what you are unlikely to accomplish. When you have the wisdom to discern this--when you have worked hard at truly noticing yourself, without distracting yourself with sugar, or TV, or Panda Pop, or World of Warcraft, or fights with other people, you will begin to understand what you truly NEED. Sleep, a massage, a hot bath, exercise, stretching, the opportunity to vent, problem-solving, food that works for your body.

That's kindness in action.

It goes further, of course. Kindness is seeing a big mistake--a work document that went out with a word misspelled, or food you burned, or anything else big or little--and being able to handle it without berating yourself. Maybe with a gentle message somehow that lets you feel that--in some way--you can be lovable, cared for, despite the mistake. Despite weight gain, or an afternoon badly spent. You can still be worthy of love and care.

That's self-compassion.

And the next step? Well, the next step is seeing that you can ALSO treat other people the exact same way. Except. With other people, you can't know, or assume you know what they need. What is kindness to them? How do you know? Well there is only one (or two) ways.

You have to ask.

And then, yeah. You have to listen, and believe them.

What does your sibling need, the one who never seems to keep a job and is always fighting with your mom? What does your spouse need, the one who is always nagging and criticizing you? What does your neighbor need? How about your friend? How about that person you don't know, and you never thought you cared about? The bus driver? Your kid? The dog? (OK, that last one is tricky. Maybe the last two.)

You don't know, actually, You might think you do, but you don't. Because you aren't them. What works for you--what helps you tick, what makes you go, really and truly might not be what they need. Or maybe they can't get there yet.

That's what's wrong with the loving your neighbor as yourself business. Your neighbor isn't you. They are them. They need something different. They need you to listen. They need you to believe them. Then you do that thing. That thing that for them is kindness in action. That thing that is compassion. Maybe it's dropping off a meal. Maybe it's helping them fix their computer. Maybe it's taking a walk. Maybe it's spell checking something for them. (Yeah, it's often that.)

Whatever it is, you do it, if you can. Because first you are kind to you. So you say no, if you really can't do that thing. Not because there's anything wrong with them for asking for it, but because if you want to show up for others, you have to show up for you first.

Kindness in action. You can do it! (I can help.)