Kindness in action-- it isn't (just) what you think.

 Here's the big idea with kindness: do NOT do unto others as you would have done unto you. None of that love your neighbor as yourself. (Love your neighbor. Yes. Just not as yourself.)

Why not? Because that's actually a big trap in a lot of ways. 

When you know yourself well, and accept yourself, you can start the radical path of truly being kind to yourself. Self-compassion in action means the wisdom to know what you can truly do in any given day--and what you are unlikely to accomplish. When you have the wisdom to discern this--when you have worked hard at truly noticing yourself, without distracting yourself with sugar, or TV, or Panda Pop, or World of Warcraft, or fights with other people, you will begin to understand what you truly NEED. Sleep, a massage, a hot bath, exercise, stretching, the opportunity to vent, problem-solving, food that works for your body. 

That's kindness in action.

It goes further, of course. Kindness is seeing a big mistake--a work document that went out with a word misspelled, or food you burned, or anything else big or little--and being able to handle it without berating yourself. Maybe with a gentle message somehow that lets you feel that--in some way--you can be lovable, cared for, despite the mistake. Despite weight gain, or an afternoon badly spent. You can still be worthy of love and care.

That's self-compassion.

And the next step? Well, the next step is seeing that you can ALSO treat other people the exact same way. Except. With other people, you can't know, or assume you know what they need. What is kindness to them? How do you know? Well there is only one (or two) ways.

You have to ask. 

And then, yeah. You have to listen, and believe them. 

What does your sibling need, the one who never seems to keep a job and is always fighting with your mom? What does your spouse need, the one who is always nagging and criticizing you? What does your neighbor need? How about your friend? How about that person you don't know, and you never thought you cared about? The bus driver? Your kid? The dog? (OK, that last one is tricky. Maybe the last two.) 

You don't know, actually, You might think you do, but you don't. Because you aren't them. What works for you--what helps you tick, what makes you go, really and truly might not be what they need. Or maybe they can't get there yet. 

That's what's wrong with the loving your neighbor as yourself business. Your neighbor isn't you. They are them. They need something different. They need you to listen. They need you to believe them. Then you do that thing. That thing that for them is kindness in action. That thing that is compassion. Maybe it's dropping off a meal. Maybe it's helping them fix their computer. Maybe it's taking a walk. Maybe it's spell checking something for them. (Yeah, it's often that.)

Whatever it is, you do it, if you can. Because first you are kind to you. So you say no, if you really can't do that thing. Not because there's anything wrong with them for asking for it, but because if you want to show up for others, you have to show up for you first. 

Kindness in action. You can do it! (I can help.)